Love has no agenda …

Don’t assume readiness to commit. There are at least three possibilities.

When we assume that what keeps us from getting married is finding the right person or being somebody else’s idea of the right person, we just might bark up the wrong tree — for a very long time.

A lot of people tell me, “I want to get married, I just can’t find the right person.” And it’s on that potentially false premise that they continue to search for the one. But isn’t it possible that they, or you, are not truly ready to choose and commit to a life partner?

Others say, “If I can’t make him happy, I must not be what he (read: anybody) wants in a woman,” and that can leave them trying to conform to what they think he wants. But maybe he’s just not ready to commit — to anybody? Please don’t interpret that as commitment phobia. It’s OK not to be ready. The key is to realize it … and go about being the person you want to be in the meantime. It’s easy enough to look around and find examples of what happens when people who aren’t truly ready to commit do it anyway (it can be much easier to spot a lack of readiness in somebody else).… More

You don’t have to choose between mystery and knowing. There is always more of you to share. And you grow your relationship by discovering what it is and sharing it. … More

If the only way to be happy is to be true to yourself, what we really want to talk about is getting to know the self. And when we say it that way, we recognize the enormity of the task.

“The essence of knowledge is self-knowledge,” said the Greek philosopher Plato. “Know thyself,” is accepted as the corner stone on which the temples of philosophy were erected; and without the corner stone, all other knowing crumbles.

It is the quest that has traveled with man from the launching of a soul. It has transcended continent, race, culture, and tradition. But if the sages of every age have sought the knowing, only for the next generation to seek it, how can we have the audacity to take on the task.

The knowing is not knowledge that can be passed on. The knowing is uncovered only in the process of seeking it. No man has rights to it; yet all men have the right to pursue it. And, if we are to be happy, we must seek it.… More

Being true to anybody and everybody else, including your God, starts with YOU. And it lays the only foundation there is for happy.… More

Years ago, while I was dating a psychiatrist, he told me that I was too often disappointed with him. I was goo-gah over his brain, and he melted me — and everybody else — when he smiled. He saw through people and felt warm toward them; and they knew it. Disappointed in him? Not this girl.

Bless my insecure little 30-year-old heart, though, I acted like I was.

When he told me that our issues were clashing, I thought it was mostly about my not feeding his ego. I thought that was a good thing. Without realizing it, though, I continued to feed my own ego and want him to feed it.

Truth is, I wanted desperately to feel good enough for him!

Now I realize that he probably saw through my defensiveness, and understood his own need for reinforcement. He still wanted somebody who was impressed by him. I was — the condo, the car, the Yale degree — but I was unable to express that freely. I was too self-conscious about my own shortcomings to ignore his shortcomings while I underscored his strengths.

I couldn’t even do more pull-ups than he could … and that was the one thing I had over on almost anybody.… More

To forgive doesn’t mean to betray yourself or deny the truth. If somebody wants a second chance, it’s okay to ask, “Why will it be different this time?” And unless they can spill a heart full of evidence, you can move on without feeling guilty (or bitter). … More