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Dear Friends,

I am more engaged than ever in my relationship with my husband Sam. And it’s because I am more free.

Often, we think we’ve gotten over a hurdle. And we have; but there are more to jump. We miss out if we stop recognizing the hurdles. They’re opportunities to lose more fear.

Aging is a gift (bearing hurdles). It demands that we work to keep our relationship vibrant … or give up on aliveness. Love perseveres.

And I want to report that it’s worth it. Sam and I have been volleying a ball back and forth in the pool before dinner. It’s such a simple thing, but it’s enchanting. And it’s an example of loving and accepting each other, having fun, and not keeping score. And, hey, we play like we mean it, so it’s good exercise.

Forever a student of love,

Jan

PS: This is part of my weekly newsletter. You can sign up on my page or my website. … More

Tears ran down her face as she asked me, “How do I forgive myself?”

Forgiveness is a critical step toward a healthy life, and you can only take it after you’ve had the courage to face the truth. It’s easier to move on — just not in a positive direction — while you’re still lying to yourself about what you did or who’s to blame.

If lying to yourself seems far-fetched, consider a few facts:

Many people think it’s OK to tell a white lie.

Some think it’s OK to cheat a little on their taxes.

Some think what a partner doesn’t know won’t hurt him (or her).
You probably don’t blatantly deny your behavior, but there’s a good chance you justify some of it. And justification often implies trying to make something “wrong” less wrong. But is there really such a thing as less wrong? White lies and black lies? Innocent cheating and tainted cheating?

The truth has a way of catching up with us. And when it does, we are forced to deal with it. Running from the truth is exhausting. And it’s like running from a police officer; you can’t do it (except in the movies) without digging yourself into a deeper hole.… More

Whether you struggle with a partner over where to live or what to eat, you’re struggling for control.

See how liberating it is to give up control, instead.

Trust love. … More

When you’re not sure what to do, just let love displace fear. Let truth displace lies. Let go instead of clinging. Trust instead of doubt. Forgive yourself instead of feeling guilty. Accept responsibility instead of being defensive or assigning blame to somebody else. See what you have in common rather than focusing on the differences. Stay present rather than regretting the past or fretting about the future. Choose happiness over self-pity, ego, anger, greed, or control. And play big — choose as though you cannot fail. You can’t, because love can’t.

Excerpted from my book “Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You’re Not”… More

When you find yourself defending your point of view, rather than explaining it, take a deep breath. Remember that you and your partner are on the same team.

And start again. … More