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Sometimes we really believe that we’re striving for a loving relationship, when actually, we’re trying to get somebody else to conform to OUR IDEA of a loving relationship! We can’t do their striving, or their growing. We can’t decide what they’re ready for. We can’t even decide what a loving relationship looks like for them!

It’s wonderful to persevere in aligning with love and creating a relationship that reflects YOU. Live your dream! But don’t do the dreaming for somebody else … and then try to get them to work at living it. Let go of your notion of what’s right for somebody else.

And continue to revisit what’s right for you. If you have to push too hard or cling too tightly, maybe it’s not for you. Love is work! It’s responsible and persistent work; but it feels like being true to yourself, not trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans, a party, or a relationship that doesn’t fit.

Not sure if you’re truly loving your partner or pushing YOUR idea of a loving relationship? You can’t be responsible for how your partner feels, but how he feels can be telling. Does she feel respected OR disrespected by you?… More

Smitten by Somebody Who Gets Us!
Working around brick walls is hard work, though. We are smitten by somebody who lets us in and “gets” us, somebody who is tuned in to us. The biological need we have to be loved is really a need to be seen and understood, to be valued, to be responded to. To be in synch! We don’t want to ask a sweetheart to respond to an obvious need; we want him to see it and respond because he can, because he cares, because he can’t help himself. And while this seems almost lost to our consciousness, it helps to explain why sex is the favorite substitute for love. Even if it’s short-lived, we have somebody’s full attention.

a paragraph from my upcoming book “Sex … why we can’t get enough, until we come home to love”… More

As long as you camouflage something–your body, your achievements, your past–no matter how many people try to love you, you won’t feel loved. It is only when you drop the pretense that you learn to love yourself and allow another’s love to reach beyond it. … More

We can think of love as everything good, and learn to feel it, and trust it … even when it doesn’t match the picture we’ve conjured up. Scientists now study and measure oxytocin, or the feel-good hormone, that accompanies love. It’s found naturally when Johnny feels joyful, connected, hopeful, loved. And scientists can watch as it broadens Sally’s outlook and encourages her growth. Love literally nurtures, sustains, energizes, and inspires you to be your best self, to be bigger than you thought was big. It reduces fear and suspicion, without reducing your ability to calculate risk. It keeps babies, who are dependent on caregivers, alive! It’s the difference between life and death. We can feel it with strangers, acquaintances, friends, siblings, and parents. But, perhaps, our favorite way to feel love is with somebody who is exclusively ours, somebody who is ours to touch in private places, who reaches the deepest part of who we are, who knows us down to the core, and loves us no matter what.

an excerpt from my upcoming book
photo of waterfalls from a walk in the dark
note: Sex includes an undisputed–though, short-lived–surge of oxytocin!… More

LOVE YOURSELF TO A HEALTHY WEIGHT

Is weight standing between you and the relationship of your dreams? Reaching a healthy weight is part of loving yourself well.

TIP THREE: Put less on your plate, so you can afford seconds! Never fill your plate!

We don’t need a whole plate of food. Remember that you can get more; don’t eat every meal as though it’s your last. When we eat like there’s no tomorrow, we eat more, and we eat faster, like it doesn’t matter how much we eat. It does matter. We have to wear every calorie we eat, unless we burn it. When you put less on your plate, you’ll be pickier about what you put on there.

PRACTICE: If you’d like to lose more than ten pounds, put half as much food on your plate as you THINK you want. Savor every bite. Wait. If you still want more, help yourself to half as much as you ate the first time, just taking more of what you were able to truly savor (Tip One). You can do this! You can love yourself to a healthy weight!… More

If there is something missing in your relationship, it’s what you’re not giving. I don’t know what’s missing, I don’t know what you long for; but I know you have it to give. Because LOVE has it to give. The courage to drop your defenses. The passion to fan a dying romance. The faith and fortitude to try again–to stop nagging, to stop defending yourself, to stop opposing each other. The patience to be present and listen. The wisdom to accept your partner unconditionally. The strength to stand up for what serves you and let go of what doesn’t. The freedom to be who you are! You can find them all in love! And love is what you’re made of.

You don’t have to find them all at once, though. You can’t! You can only find what you have the faith to claim. Exercise the faith you can muster. As you claim what you’re able to believe for, you grow your faith. Then, you can claim more. And when you have given what’s missing, you will have it in your relationship–even if it means moving on to another relationship.

It’s not about finding a better way; it’s about following the way you already know!… More