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Win your own independence …

From a reader: “I love him, but I can’t brush my teeth without his hovering over me. Sometimes I feel like he’s got me on a leash, and I just want to run.”

In the beginning of a relationship, we can mistake clinging for love. Later, it can seem more like insecurity — even desperation — especially to an independent person trying to find some space.

But it’s an attachment style … and, based on research, we each have one of the following three:

Secure: comfortable with connectedness and autonomy
Avoidant: uncomfortable with too much connectedness
Anxious: uncomfortable with too much autonomy, or clingy

Each style probably brings to mind some exemplary specimen. There was the too-anxious-to-please one who wanted to marry you three weeks after the first date. Then there was the one who wouldn’t quite commit — or really open up — despite spending years with you.

But maybe you’ve only experienced the “secure” from a distance — your second cousin’s husband. If you’re wondering why you can’t find somebody who is his own person and still capable of intimacy, check out your own attachment style. Smile.

You are probably — perhaps without realizing it — still looking for secure in yourself, too.… More

What provokes your questions?

When are you getting married? No job yet? When’s the baby due?

We’ve all asked the “wrong” question or posed a question at the wrong time.

I recently asked, “How are you today?”

“I’m the way I always am,” was followed by a five-minute drama to help me get it through my head that things are bad.

Even our admirable intentions can be overshadowed by somebody else’s self-defeating attitude. Let’s be honest, though, sometimes we ask a question that’s really a suggestion to somebody who didn’t ask for our two cents.

Keep a question to yourself (even if you’re family, a close friend, or part of the media!) when you are:
— Being judgmental.
— Really saying, “I told you so.”
— Feeling satisfaction in somebody else’s misfortune.
— Offering unsolicited advice.

If you’re thinking, “It’s no wonder you can’t find a job,” keep your mouth shut. And if, “Have you lost weight?” is a snide remark, change your attitude.

Make your questions — and your comments — thoughtful and constructive.

If you’re the one being asked the dreaded questions, consider the source. Don’t react in anger or embarrassment. In other words, don’t be unloving because somebody else is.

If Aunt Harriett asks you the same question every Sunday, “Why aren’t you married yet?”… More