How to Raise a “Good Enough” Child

When you hold a newborn baby, you sense something God-like…I dare say, even if you’re an atheist. A baby is untainted, sacred, perfect!

It’s important to hold that thought because incessant crying can get old, questions can grow monotonous, and running after a toddler can be a full-time job. That’s not really the problem, though; the problem is that you already have a full-time job. That means trying to turn the child into less than a full-time job — or, sadly, less than he or she is.

You’re likely to find yourself saying “no,” a lot. The average child hears 432 negative comments versus only 32 positive comments on any given day.

“I’ve seen a shift from physical abuse to verbal abuse; we now have parents who wouldn’t think of spanking kids but crush their little hearts with words,” says longtime parent educator Judy H. Wright aka “Auntie,” an honorary Native American title meaning wise woman who loves unconditionally and doesn’t judge.

She explains that even when kids don’t understand negative words, they understand the facial expressions and body language that accompany them. And they always believe the negative “actions.”

To get an idea of how that affects a child, imagine yourself as a 3-year-old, still very much dependent on your parents for survival. You run to greet Mom …but she’s not as excited to see you, as you are to see her. And she wants you to wash the jelly off your hands before you touch her. Keep in mind that there’s nobody else for you to run to, and you’re biologically programmed to be sensitive to rejection (survival of the species depended on that).

You get the message that there’s something wrong with you, not just your behavior or your sticky hands.

So, what do you do? You try harder to win Mom’s acceptance, to be good enough, to be lovable. But even when you win her approval, it seems contingent on playing by her rules or her music. And without realizing it, you begin to tune out your own music.

“The average child becomes an expert at self-sacrifice at the level of the life force itself,” says Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D., noted psychotherapist and philosopher.

If you’re wondering what this means to the average child — or your child, as the case may be — you might consider what it has meant to you . Who are you? Can you hear your music? Are you dancing to it? Or was it really somebody else’s music you passed on to your child?

If you want to know what you’re doing to your child, you might look at what your parents did to you. I’m not asking you to play the role of victim. You’re an adult now. I am asking you to wake up to your own childhood wounds and to your own parenting style.

Your child is perfect, remember? Rather than try to change him, validate him. Help her to hear and move to her own music.

How? Catch the negative before it comes out of your mouth…and before it shows up on your face. Let it remind you to affirm your child’s true self with words, facial expressions and gestures. Hug, kiss, tickle, take time to listen and interact. Nurture, guide, reassure. Be present. The idea is to make your child feel seen, known, respected and loved for who he is naturally, for what makes her unique — not for what makes him or her convenient or compliant or image-enhancing.

Please note that this means getting to know your child’s authentic self, preferably before you both lose sight of it.

Give your child what you wish you had gotten. And please don’t fool yourself about what you got. If you do, your child will suffer with you.

To stop the abuse, be an “Auntie,” a wise one who loves unconditionally and doesn’t judge.

SIDEBAR:
If your child’s learning to win the approval of others doesn’t seem like much of a problem, wait till he grows up and marries someone he thinks he should marry, works in a job she hates because it’s expected of her, gets in debt buying a house or car that makes him seem more successful than he really is, or is on a perpetual diet and hates her body because women are supposed to be rail thin.

You can stop this negative conditioning! As a parent (when you’re not caught up in your own insecurities), you instinctively know that your child is good enough. Your child, every child, was born with a spark of divinity — or love — within. And it is enough! Here are five ways to reinforce that positive message.

• Be there for him. Let your child have his true feelings — sadness or fear, for example. Show him with your support, reassurance, and presence that it’s okay to have emotions, and that you’ll stay with him through all those feelings, without judging.

• Teach her not to personalize rejection. If someone tells her she’s ugly or too brainy, for example, remind her that someone else’s words aren’t the truth. The truth is that she’s fine — just the way she is.

• Teach him not to worry what other people think. If he’s afraid to take chorus at school for fear of being teased, or cuts class with his friends to be part of the “cool” crowd, help him understand that following others won’t help him to be happy.

• Encourage her individuality. If your child wants to wear a pink tutu to church and it embarrasses you, consider the message you might be giving her about being an individual and expressing herself. Unless it’s an act that could harm your child, try to allow her to do what she needs to do in order to fully explore who she is.

• Show him he is loved —unconditionally. Remind your child dozens of times a day, in gestures, words, and acts that you love him just the way he is. A child who learns that he really is good enough will grow into a confident, healthy, fulfilled adult.

Remember: Parents teach by example, so the most important thing you can do is get to know, love, and be your authentic self. Don’t let somebody else define you. Don’t dismiss what you feel; learn to understand where your negative emotion comes from (I can promise you it’s not about the toothpaste cap). Don’t personalize rejection or somebody else’s preferences; they can’t make you any better or worse than you are. And while you’re learning to appreciate who you really are, you’ll naturally spend time every day teaching your child to see the value of being true to himself.