Are you present when you make love?

After we had walked the trails, Sam and I lay back on the grass next to the water. Although we were en route to the car, this was my favorite part! I had the warmth of the sun, a serene view of the water, and my sweetie. I felt alive and perfectly connected…and I wanted the feeling to last.

I suggested that we get lunch and eat by the water, explaining that I wanted to bask in the feeling, rather than rush home. Sam agreed. We headed to the concession and returned with chicken strips and French fries to share.

We lingered. It was lovely and peaceful — Sam even fell asleep — but it never felt quite the same as it had earlier.

As soon as I started planning, I got out of the moment. When I looked to the future, trying to prolong the feeling, I was no longer present with what I wanted to revel in.

It occurred to me, no surprise here, that this is the temptation with lovemaking. Ideally, we can be conscious of pleasure without getting out of the flow. I think it is easier to just close our eyes and be unconscious OR conjure up our best attempt at fireworks…because that’s what we have practiced.

But, we CAN be present with a partner, consciously aware of the moment—without thinking about what comes next, without making comparisons, without being preoccupied with orgasm. We can enjoy what is right now for what it is, regardless of how long it lasts or what it leads to. And…we can be more satisfied, both emotionally and physically.

Conscious practice leads to unconscious competence! And we don’t have to do it perfectly to enjoy it!