From a reader: It’s almost Christmas, and unless I fall madly in love in the next couple weeks, I’m going to be alone for the holidays. I’m in hot pursuit of mistletoe!
Now and again — usually around the holidays, friends getting married and company parties — we get motivated (mostly by our egos and what people think) to find a sweetheart pronto. No problem. Infatuation only needs a few seconds. And, it tastes like a bite of heaven.
Somebody finds us irresistible and quickly develops an insatiable appetite for us. They are interested in every word we have to say, aware of every little movement we make and want to spend every waking moment with us. Finally, somebody recognizes us in all of our glory!
Well, sort of. What they really see is their own salvation. We all have this innate, albeit mostly unconscious, longing to return to the paradise of the womb, where we are connected to both our mothers and the ultimate source, our needs are seamlessly met, nobody’s picking on us and everybody loves us.
Infatuation seems to make everything OK; it gives us somebody to warm up with in the cold, somebody to call when the plane’s late, and somebody to love us when nobody else does … somebody to love us even when we don’t love ourselves.
It can’t last, but for now, it provides a date for the office party. You won’t have to show up at Aunt Martha’s alone and answer 20 questions that all sound the same, “Why can’t you find somebody to love you?” And, you’ll be too busy shopping for another present and a new sweater, and lighting candles to feel sorry for yourself.
The problem is that unless you take the time to recognize the pattern — falling for somebody who seems to meet your needs, before you get to know him (or her) — you’re likely to repeat it the next time you find yourself in need of a date (or an ego or sex fix).
The key word is need. The reason infatuation is a short-lived bite of heaven is that it’s born of need. When we have yet to discover that we are lovable and learned to love ourselves, we desperately look for somebody else to prove — to us and the world — that we are worthy.
It’s not showing up without a date that hurts. It’s feeling unlovable that hurts.
True love for a sweetheart is born of desire. And that desire isn’t to get your need for self-esteem met; it’s to share the love you have come to know for yourself and life.
Ideally, it’s to share the paradise you’ve already found. While you can’t return to the unconscious paradise of the womb, you can consciously choose to realign with the ultimate source. That would be love; and alignment with it is the narrow pathway into heaven!
No, I’m not talking about golden streets in the sky. I’m talking about the kingdom within. That’s where every major religion would help you find it … and, yes, even Jesus said the kingdom was within.
OK, back to finding a sweetheart — having found the love within, you can saunter into the party alone with a mystical aura of mistletoe all around your head. Granted, not everybody is going to see it, but the ones who do are your best prospects. They will all want to eat you up.
Love will help you discern which one to spend the rest of your life with … and deciding could take only a few seconds.