“How come the nice guy couldn’t also make my toes curl?” asks a reader.

It’s a little like asking why the muscular one couldn’t also be rich, or why she couldn’t be smart, too.

That said, sometimes somebody makes our toes curl by eluding our grasp, or being a “bad boy.” We — men and women — want the best partner we can find. When we can’t quite snag somebody, we may assume we are approaching the best we can get, as the chemical rush kicks in!

Irrational, I know, but up close and emotionally involved, we can lose both our objectivity and our rationale.

I bet you can think of a whole string of men who are challenged by monogamy. They are biologically programmed to want variety. That does not make them a great catch or even a keeper!

Women, on the other hand, are programmed to compare their partner and relationship with the options. And some, continually wondering whether they can do better, are reluctant to settle on one. Again, that doesn’t make them a great catch.

So where does that leave the nice men — or women — who are emotionally available to us?

Often, the nice ones can be found sticking by us as friends, even as we chase carrots we THINK we want.… More

From a reader:

“For a while, I thought everything was great! He doesn’t express himself, though. In a card, he writes “love,” but he has never said it. He never e-mails me and asks how I am, or says he can’t wait to see me.

I am starting to think this is not a complete relationship for me. If I am always wondering why he doesn’t just call to say I love you, or e-mail because he misses me, then maybe he doesn’t have those feelings for me.

He did tell me that nobody in his family showed much emotion, and his first wife used to complain about the lack of expression.

Please help me …”

My response:

I suggest you talk to your friend and explain what you have explained to me. Ask if he has “those feelings.”

What is lacking may point to what he’s not giving, but it also points to what you are not giving. That may seem hard to believe, BUT what you think is missing is the expression of his feelings. Are you expressing your feelings to him? Or are you mostly wondering, worrying, analyzing and investigating?

If you are openly expressing your feelings — of concern and love — it may be time to bow out.… More

Keep talking until you don’t need to talk anymore. But don’t keep saying the same words over and over. Find a new way to say what you need to say, so that it can be heard and understood. Then you can stop talking about it, at least for a while.

Communication is an ongoing process. We learn to do it better with practice. Keep at it.… More