Love has no agenda …

I just explained to my husband that “friends with benefits” refers to friends who have sex. But in a study, college students needed no explanation; 60 percent of those surveyed have had this type of relationship.

Sex, the thing that traditionally distinguished a friendship from a romantic relationship, is now up for grabs.

And I’m getting e-mails from those who want to know how they can participate … not just how to find a willing friend, but how to turn sex into something they can do with a friend. One woman went so far as to tell me, after reading John Gray’s advice column, that she must not be normal.

Do we really want to engage in sex the way we watch a movie or eat takeout with friends? Let’s not mindlessly jump on the bandwagon — and even if we decide FWB falls within the normal range, let’s not make it our goal.

My first invitation to engage in FWB came from a close friend about 20 years ago, long before all the press. There was too much mutual respect for me to be offended, but I was curious. Why would we do that?

He explained that having sex with each other would take the pressure off and allow us to take our time in finding a romantic relationship and incorporating sex … smart, resourceful guy, loyal friend.… More

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When we tune in to what’s sacred, we begin to see it manifested in words and behavior. We begin to understand. We begin to accept. We begin to love well. … More

Especially if you’ve been thinking about your “imperfections” lately, please ask yourself this question: At what point did I lose my perfection?

We think of a newborn baby as perfect. When the baby cries, we still think he’s perfect. He is. When he tries to crawl and can’t, we still think he’s perfect. We see his stumbling as part of what makes him perfect. We delight in his effort and encourage him to grow.

Yet for some reason when we, as adults, stumble in an effort to take the next step or get the next lesson, we tend to point to a personal “imperfection” — or blame it on somebody else. Pointing to “imperfections” reinforces them. Eventually, we come to expect less of ourselves; maybe we even quit trying. And blaming somebody else is no more effective.

Rather than kick yourself while you are down, encourage yourself. Give yourself points for effort. Don’t just do it to be kind. Do it to be fair!

Encourage yourself the way you would encourage your baby, because that might be the best example you have of your ability to love unconditionally. And that’s the only way to really love somebody, including yourself.

You are doing the best you can do.… More

Don’t look for what works. Look for what you love. And then find out how it works!… More

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